T/W; depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts.
Before I begin, to whoever reading this; This is only a fictional piece of writing. Suicide is never the answer to any problem you can't find your way out of. You have so much left to look forward to in life, no matter how unlikely it seems right now, don't give up just yet. You're going to be okay, I promise. :)
......
“Life is a beautiful thing. You just need to get through the hardships” is what I used to say to everyone and maybe such was my punishment that I was dragged to the end of life because I had told people lies. Told them it was going to be okay when it wasn’t, told them they’d make it when I knew they wouldn’t. Told them it gets better when it doesn’t.
Maybe this is just what I deserve for telling lies and planting fake hope into naïve fragile hearts. A miserable, pitiful death, with no funeral, no loved ones shedding tears. Since no one else would punish me the way I deserved I would do it myself.
I would take my own life and end the misery for this world.
Was I scared? Trembling? Missing someone? Having regrets? Second thoughts?
No
I had lost all that ages back, alongside the softness and the love inside my heart. If anything I felt empty and attracted towards nothing but the idea of death. Oh, how I would smile when the thought of death crossed my mind, foolishly, like a child I would try to hide a small.
One last time before jumping off the cliff into an abyss of peace I shut my eyes wanting a recap of my whole life to play in front of my eyes, all the failures playing, but that didn’t happen.
I couldn’t decide if I was glad or not. Instead, I tried thinking about a few pleasant slips of the world. Oblivious things, no one would notice
I thought of a teenage girl sick to the stomach by the idea of love yet somewhere deep down falling in love with the boy who crosses her house for a split second at midday while lazily running a hand through his hair, how she’d notice all the details about him, how his eyes changed color under the sun and rainbow dwelled in them, how his shirt was always untucked by the edges, his sleeves however neatly unfolded and buttoned up as if he had run out of a very important business meeting punching the CEO in the face just because he felt like it. The kind of badass she imagined him to be. Yet once he was past her house she’d scold herself for even thinking about it in the first place fully knowing she would still willingly yet unwillingly wait for the boy with no name to pass by.
I prayed one last time that she’d get the boy of her dreams. Who would notice all those peculiar details about her and fall in love with them every day?
I thought of the neighbor’s dog whose barking would give me company late at night when everything else was a silent killer.
I hope one last time that he gets bets owners than the ones he had.
I thought of the old man who lived by the bushes, shelterless, hopeless, eyes filled with a spark, maybe just a wait for death but oh, a heart full of stories from his rebellious teenage years and how he would ache to tell them and tragically had no listener but me. He used to tell me his stories filled with laughter and tears at the price of a meal. The only meal he had per day.
I hoped so very dearly for him to find someone better than me, someone, who would cook less awful for him, be fuller of life. A better listener than I was. For a second I almost thought the old man would miss me.
Ah, such a foolish, pathetic thought.
I wouldn’t even cross his mind.
Everyone would be glad. Very insanely glad to be rid of me. I was sure.
Unknowingly, unwillingly tears started to form in my eyes. I might’ve been a pathetic useless soul but maybe a foolish part of me wanted to be wrapped into someone’s warmth, someone whispering untrue consoling’s to me but I’d believe them and fall asleep anyways because for a second everything would be okay. Maybe I needed someone to care enough.
Not to fix me, to just stand by me while I fixed myself. To tell me all those lies I framed so beautifully and told everyone else. For once I wanted to know I mattered
But not all of us get a happy ending, some of us fall off cliffs with quivering lips, no one to say goodbye to, the sound of nothing but running waters with everything blue.
And this is my goodbye.
NOTE; I wrote this note in a moment of vulnerability whilst pretending to be someone else as I poured my soul into words and onto a paper. I wanted to know what it would have felt like to unhappily yet knowingly stand at the brink of life, but at the same time, I did not want to be the person myself. Henceforth, this is the world from the eyes of a girl inside my twisted imagination.