Pain

"Nothing ever ends poetically. It ends and we turn it into poetry. All that blood was never once beautiful. It was just red." - Kait Rokowski

The weight of the world feels like it is too much to carry. It is as though the wind is pushing me down and I have to take a deep breath before a step to keep myself from being crushed under this grief.

This weight.

They have always been right, grief can not be beautified, pain, as it is being felt, is just pain and not poetry. It is not poetry until time passes.

If it ever does.

No one understands pain in the flesh, they don’t understand what is making me throw up, even if they’ve ever felt the same way in the past. It is all about right now, only about right now, the very moment that I find myself hung in and the blanket of loneliness that covers me, much like protection.

Protection from ease

And so, for a brief while, for as long as it lasts, I am unique because no one else can feel the way I feel. No one can know how harshly it burns at the back of my throat as I try to kick the tears back.

It is also oddly ironic, because in a world with billions of people, suddenly there is no one.

The world vanishes and I am by myself, trying to figure out if I have fallen prey to a fever or if my body has, yet again, ceased to collapse. And the thought frightens me because the last time it happened, the last time that the world got hazy, I lost my way around it. Every bone inside me confided me to bed ensuring that I did not get any rest but that I did not have the pleasure of completing life endeavors either.

I counted the seconds pass by, I wondered if the rainbow would ever change colors and if the big foot ever felt lonely but I did not, could not, spare any thought to the machinery within me threatening to stop, nor to my brain that throbbed inside my skull like a bomb warning to go off. I did everything like we’re programmed to, but I did not understand why tears still streamed from my eyes when I felt nothing, nothing at all.

When tragedy strikes and the sky turns grey, I forget that it was ever any other shade.